Film Review: Titanic II

Just when we thought it was safe to return to the seas this monstrosity lumbers onto our screens. Not only does this film win the award for worst plot of the new millennium, it also wins the award for the darkest screen colour palette in a movie. This films dire. Dare you read on?

The Premise

On the 100th birthday of the Titanic’s maiden voyage, Titanic II is launched to follow the footsteps of the original vessel and through a series of events ends up in the same fate as her original. Only its not been done quite so badly before!

The Disasters Faced

Icebergs, tsunami’s, badly CGI’s fires, the male lead’s ego, a very big and a step that will trip everyone to death throughout the movie!

The Execution

Filmed in “Darkovision”, Titanic II is black. Very black. So black infact that at times you have no idea what’s going on for periods of about thirty seconds. Add to that some of these are the effects shots and we have your base line for judging the movie.

First things first. The plot stinks. Why not just rename it another boat? Well that wouldn’t pull in as many sales now would it. In a strange sidestory whipped from the opening of Day After Tomorrow, an Ice Shelf is collapsing the huge collapses send tidal waves across the sea pushing icebergs into Titanic II’s path. The first wave renders the ship damaged and off it sinks. At I think that’s what happened – the screen is so dark throughout the whole thing I actually turned my contrast up on the TV in confusion! Sadly the characters onboard are all a bit stupid. The main duo look uncomfortable together, the male lead (whom also directed and wrote the film – now that’s a one man show) character is so unlikable you wish he was the first character to go. Aside from the main four, the rest just aren’t given any character at all and so when they perish you’re so indifferent to it, it doesn’t matter. The script is awful, the acting varies on such a vast scale from competent to pantomime its jarring and it all feels like a cobbled together mess.

The Effects

The ice shelf collapses are standard TV Movie fair graphics and although the ship looks nice when its sat still (with obvious blue screen skies behind) the sinking and general computer effects are just poor. At least with Megafault, they were passable but things appear to take a backward step here. This is down to the fact destruction is relatively easy to do but water is so fluid, you need to have decent effects for it to work at all. Some of the sets are quite nice I suppose!

Why It’s Worth Watching

I can’t really say it is unless you’re a diehard fan of the genre or enjoy watching people screaming and falling over some stairs in weird cuts throughout a movie.

Best Death

I have to say most of the deaths are meant to be big events all ruined by shoddy effects and set ups (or black screens!) but the turbine explosion which takes out the captain is about as fun as it gets on that front. However it must said best death goes to Kelly (Michelle Glavan) who manages to die being squashed by a door. Heroically. I kid you not.

Favourite Character

The ship is full of people whom aren’t really nice at all so I’ll go for the poor lady Elijia (Whittly Jourdan) who deals with the lifeboat evacuation who seems like one of the few genuine people onboard. Of course, she dies.

Weirdest Moment

Aside from door death, aside from oh-my-god-its-a-stair-fall-over-and-scream moments at five minute intervals, there is one laugh out loud moment that had me in stitches. In a hark back to James Cameron’s Titanic where Rose and Jack are running down a corridor being chased by a wave of water (followed by epileptic inducing disco light show), our leads Hayden and Amy mirror the exact same moment. However where is the tidal wave? There isn’t one. Instead we cut to a dripping puddle while a gushing water sound is heard! Oops.

Conclusion

I’ve been unusually harsh with Titanic II but then it deserves it because it dares to ride a cheap marketing trick and delivers a movie that sub-tv movie standard. Sometimes films are so bad their good again and readers of this site will know I treasure those. Titanic II however is so busy trying to pretend its something fantastic it just stays firmly in the bad sector and has no redeeming qualities at all. Equal bottom with 2012 Doomsday for worst disaster movie I’ve seen in absolutely years.

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